She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my shit smells like andre
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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