Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize