He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
