I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
