I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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