i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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