I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
