i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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