Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
