stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
