i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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