everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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