Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
