I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
what the fuck happened to the tacos
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
