Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
