if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
