My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
