I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
