Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
