i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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