This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
