I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
