Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
