She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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