Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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