can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
