You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
