My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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