I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
