grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
