....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
