i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
