Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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