Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
