I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
