LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
