drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
