Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
