I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
