bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
