i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
