The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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