Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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