I'm going to jail i love you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
