I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
