I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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