oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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