My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize