Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
