Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
