yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
