I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
