pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
