yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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