So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
