He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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